Feminism vs. Sexism: Violence Between Sexes

This piece fits in the social stigmas category I wrote about last time, but I think it is important enough to get its own post.

Let’s get this out of the way: men are biologically stronger than women. In my opinion, the stereotypes that are associated with this fact are the root of all evil in the battle of the sexes. It leads to the sexes being pigeonholed in American culture.

To understand how I began harping on the topic of physical strength, I am going to admit to something very embarrassing: I watch the Steve Wilkos Show…sometimes multiple times a day. (I know, shut up.) I feel like there is one pattern I’ve noticed about the show every time I watch it: when a woman claims physical abuse, the audience automatically demonizes the man, but when a man claims abuse, the audience laughs. Every. Single. Time.

This laughter represents America’s fundamental problem of violence between the sexes. No one would dare laugh at a woman who was abused, no matter what the size of her abuser, but it becomes funny when a woman is the violent one.

When I began to mentally keep track of reasons women hit men, I realized the frequency at which it occurred. I became less and less interested whether the violence was justified, and I began questioning the frequency of it instead.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, in 2010, “more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.” Even though I watch the Steve Wilkos Show as often as I do, I was surprised by these findings. I couldn’t shake the question of why women were so violent today.

Putting together the frequency of violence against men from my daytime TV research and actual research, I came to two ideas about how the sexes are viewed: 1) violent women are thought of as a joke, not dangerous, and 2) men should be ashamed and embarrassed about abuse instead of being open about it. There is this idea that men should always be the protector and women the victim.

Our society tries to teach men to never hit a woman, but there doesn’t seem to be any movement telling women it is not okay to hit men. It seems we are a society that preaches that violence against men is most likely justified, and even if it is not, it is just a woman throwing punches.

One example is the dramatic Hollywood slap. Since the beginning of film, the connection of a woman’s palm and a man’s face has gotten a lot of screen time. Think of any romantic comedy. How many times have you sat in a theater and watched the not-yet-changed, playboy antagonist get drinks thrown in his face, hit, or even maced? In a way, our society has told women it is okay to hit men, and they are.

Hollywood even tells us that women who are truly in love will get violent out of frustration, and it’s cute. In The Notebook, how many times did Rachel McAdams slap Ryan Gosling over something ridiculously stupid, only for them to make up with butterfly kisses 30 seconds later? If any movie or book portrayed a man doing this, he would be an abusive asshole, but was Rachel’s character depicted as this? Nope, she was just young, passionate and in love.

There is a double standard with violence between men and women that hurts both sexes. This is just another example of the human race representing a giant metaphor of a snake eating it’s own tale. We are the cause, victim, and solution to the problems that plague both sexes. The answer is as simple as what our teachers told us in grade school – Everyone! Keep your damn hands to yourself!

“We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”

- David Sedaris, Naked

Feminism vs. Sexism: Modern Gender Stigmas

In my last post, I wrote about sexualizing women. For part two I wanted to examine the sexes in a social context. There is no questioning it: the sexes are in a self-imposed, never-ending war over what defines a man and a woman. Men have always been the ones to outline gender roles for both sexes, and the American people have all fallen for it.

I see so many females fight for women who step outside of what society deems as feminine, but so few come to the rescue of men who attempt the same. Whether it is the way men dress, career choice, or even going as far as sexual exploration, in modern times, women have always had a louder cheering section.

Now, I would like all to understand, I know why the cheering section is louder and gets more attention: it is because the oppressed finally have a voice. The reason for this sensitivity to feminist issues is because of deep-rooted scars and continuing practices. Do women in America have it better than 100 years ago? Fuck yeah, but just because women slowly gained freedoms, like the right to vote, does not make this a country of equality.

There is a new battle raging against sexism. As much as I would like to tell men to go fuck themselves and the sexism they face, I can’t. (I’ve been a bit bitter since being felt up at two separate bars.) Fighting for true equality means focusing on both sexes, not just one. The line between what is masculine and feminine needs to be blurred beyond recognition if women want society to look past sex. Here are the four social stigmas I feel are the most important:

1)   Accepting the Metrosexual

I have an extreme dislike of metrosexual men. They are not sexually appealing to me. I think most of them are douchebags, and I hate any man that spends more time looking in the mirror than a woman. Now, that being said, everything I just stated was extremely sexist and stereotyping.

It has been embedded in our culture to make fun of “girly” men, but do people ever consider that this is one way of perpetuating the gender stereotypes? By people mocking men who indulge in “manscaping,” they are essentially calling them women. This comes with a repercussion I think few realize.

This is how I see it: women are oppressed because they are weak. When a man is mocked for being “girly,” the real insult is not that he is acting like a woman, but that he is weak. It is a cycle of belittling women and limiting the definition of a “real man” to societal standards. I always thought that it was an unfair advantage that women got to wear make-up anyway.

2)   Bisexual Females vs. Males

I have a theory: The only reason women are so “comfortable” with their sexuality is because throughout history they had little-to-no say on the definition of beauty. Of course, women will feel comfortable with semi-nude females, when from Roman to modern times the female body has been considered a marketing tool by those who govern (cough, cough, men).
Everywhere from courthouse steps to magazine spreads, women have been desensitized to their own sexuality. Men, on the other hand, never had to be reminded of their own penis at every turn. 

Humans are like every other animal on the planet. There is a natural curiosity when it comes to sex. Many of us have fantasized about a homosexual encounter but never acted on it. In America, there is still a lingering homophobia that tells men they are flat out gay for thinking of another man in that way. Women on the other hand, have had a different kind of experience. A lesbian encounter has become many men’s fantasy and has been labeled a silly little experiment in college.

I believe this type of thinking has led to some dumb theories. I have met more then one straight man who said he believed homosexuality was wrong, but two women hooking up was natural. This is what happens when you repress a society: the repercussions are idiotic. Look at churches and the spree of molestation that has occurred, or the Amish community that won’t even acknowledge the drugging and raping of hundreds in their town. When society tries to suppress a natural urge, it will literally drive people crazy.

In a man’s world, females have had more room to experiment because it is thought of as sexy, but men have been conditioned to fear the sight of another’s dick. I remember even in high school, if a guy was bisexual, everyone knew and that kid became a freak even more so than someone who was gay. A chorus of “ewwws” would erupt from everyone whenever the bi-male was the main focus of gossip. It became a death sentence to a guy’s social reputation. Girls shunned him, and boys would bully him. (Girls had their fair share of discrimination, but I’m trying to make a point.) 

Even as someone who fights for LGBT rights, I find myself a bit taken back if I find out a guy I’m interested in is bisexual. I see nothing wrong with experimenting, but it comes as a shock. The past is the past, no matter whom someone has slept with, but it proves that no matter how open-minded I try to be, social stigmas can stick with me, and I think many are in the same boat. Without acceptance on every level, equality cannot be achieved. 

3)   Who Wears the Pants?

I hate this question. It implies old school thinking in the way of gender roles. I’m not referring to a significant other who does whatever the other says; I’m talking about career choice and income.

Men who stay home or are employed in what is considered “traditional careers for women” have had their fair share of discrimination. While it is nothing like what women have put up with, it does exist. 

This is another indirect form of sustaining sexism towards women. If a man chooses to be a secretary while the woman is a lawyer, there is a societal indication weakness. In America, it appears that men who have a less “manly” job are the butt of many jokes.

Hollywood is a great example of this. When there are men onscreen playing a character in a “woman’s position,” he is typically a bumbling idiot who is made fun of. When I think of male nurses, I think of “Meet the Parents” and how many career jokes were made. When I think of male secretaries, I think of the flamboyant, nervous wreck that catered to Ari in “Entourage.”

Stay at home dads get the privilege of being mocked as well. While many men like to complain about how commercials portray men as idiots who can’t understand how a broom works, these men actually live a lifestyle that is only advertised to women.

Again, I believe this is a side effect of sexism. Advertisers have always appealed to women in one distinct way: make the guy an idiot in the “woman’s domain.” I see it as men throwing women a bone in the idea of self-empowerment. Thank god the woman is in the kitchen, otherwise we would only have stupid men to clean up messes.

Being a house-husband comes with another weird side effect: they get called heroes and babysitters. They can never be seen as just a dad. It is just not normal in society today for men to stay at home with the kids. People make it an awkward or selfless, heroic situation, and unless we see an equal amount of men and women staying home, men will always have the upper hand in the workplace.

This problem, I believe, is currently not as much of an issue. Society is adapting to the new workforce, whether all are ready or not. And in this economy, I’d prefer to be a male secretary or let my wife pay the bills to flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Women have been wearing pants for a few decades now. Can we update the “who wears the pants” question to something that doesn’t imply de-masculinizing men and keeping women in the kitchen?

4)   Who Pays the Bills?

Another stigma sexism creates is the belief that men need to spend money to be considered a good partner. This idea is not as prevalent as it once was, but it is there. I believe this thought has been passed down from mother to daughter (intentionally or not) for generations and is still being pushed by society. Throughout most of history, the only thing a woman was meant to be was suitable arm candy for her husband, so of course money mattered. If a woman couldn’t create her own accomplishments, her husband sure as hell better be rich! Even though times are changing, it doesn’t mean attitudes have.

Just like women have to be accepted in the work place, men have to be accepted as more than a wallet. Not all women think this way, but there are different angles to this statement than a guy paying a girl’s rent.

Here is one example: Unless otherwise specified, the default setting for who pays for a date always seems to be the guy. Even if 100 percent of women don’t think this way, our actions are apparently saying something else. I’ve known more than one guy who has not asked a girl out because he was short on cash.

I’ve always heard the saying, “a single man, is a rich man,” but it took me stepping into the real world to see that women actually do use men for money on a regular basis.  I’ve known a multitude of women who accepted a first date for the free meal because they were broke. While this is a great survival tool, it’s not doing much for women in the way of progression.

There is a flipside though, men have to learn to let a woman pay. I’ve always been someone who pays for my own drinks and will buy them for a love interest, but on more than one occasion, I felt that I somehow offended the guy by doing this. They stutter and stare in awe when I say, “I got this.”

When a man doesn’t pay, he is considered a loser. When a woman pays, it is considered de-masculinizing. We create this cycle. Women, buy your own shit. Men, stop being a baby when a woman buys your meal.

This post is not a one-size-fits all; there are some women who love a man who spends 6 hours on his hair, or wants to be a stay-at-home dad, or has never gotten a free meal in her life. The point is that the overall attitude of America seems to reflect this thinking. It is everyone’s job to break these stereotypes.

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
— Exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

Feminism vs. Sexism: The Ass Backward Battle

This series didn’t come together over one drunken night; it has been the highlight of many, many drunken nights. But all of the discussions have led me to ask more and more questions about feminism in the modern society.

Is it still relevant? Does feminism hurt or help women? Does it exclude and suppress men? Can men and women ever be considered equal when biology gets in the way? Are all men pigs or able to control their actions? Are women themselves the ones who perpetuate sexism? How prevalent is sexism in society, and do we even acknowledge it when it is there?

To avoid any confusion, I will only be referring to America. No one has time to read a 20-page post about worldwide feminism and sexism (who the hell would want to?), so I’ll be sticking to the country I know the best. I also realize those same people don’t want to read a 10-page post, so I broke this down into parts.

This is my interpretation of women, men and society today.

Part 1: Sex For One, and Sex For All!

Americans are a prudish, yet-somehow-risqué bunch. We dedicate a good portion of our lives to being engulfed in images or discussions about sex. Some spend a lifetime promoting or demoting it, while others simply stand on the sidelines, trying to catch a glimpse of cleavage. But the one conclusion that seems to be a consensus in the debate of sex and the media is that women are highly sexualized.

Every day there seems to be a new meme or video collaboration put online to highlight how women are nothing but objects in the media.  I agree with most of them, but it can get a bit daunting being told the same thing over and over again. Both sexes have fought to cover up women since we started agreeing to wear clothes. (Although men haven’t fought quite as hard for some reason. Can’t imagine why…)

The thing that really sparked my interest on sex and the media was the Kraft Zesty Guy commercials. (If you haven’t seen it, go watch it right now…you’re welcome.) In response to this commercial, Million Moms came like a bat out of hell to ruin it for everyone. (They lost the battle! Suck it!) As you can see, there is nothing necessarily bad about the commercial; it is provocative, but I’d say the commercial where Paris Hilton deep throats a burger is a bit worse.

Things are changing when it comes to staring at mostly naked people. From advertisers appealing to women to women pushing the trend themselves (I’ve liked 3 separate Facebook pages dedicated to semi-naked men), there has been a growing trend of sexualizing men. But, as the patterns of history inevitably repeat, there are many fighting it. I couldn’t help but ask why? I’ve been forced to stare at the female form since I realized tits had a purpose outside of nutrition. Why don’t I get my turn to objectify the opposite sex? So I began harping on this topic until I became stuck on one idea: what if the answer isn’t to try to stop sexualizing women, but instead to over-sexualize men?

For centuries we have fought to cover up women, and we all know how successful that campaign has been. If we turn men into sex objects, how could women feel objectified? Maybe we could all learn to respect each other’s sexuality and still see each other as human beings. Or, if that argument isn’t for you, consider another: if men and women are equally objectified in advertising, then, when the next backlash eventually happens the entire population will join the fight, instead of just half. (I prefer the solution that involves more male models.)

If I had my way, I’d say give men a taste of what women have lived with forever. Let people refer to women as bitches, but let’s start calling men an equivalent (my friend liked BDDs or Bad Dick Decisions). Instead of Million Moms fighting the Kraft Zesty Guy, why not multiply the number of shirtless guys by a thousand. Instead of women demonizing porn, let’s all start (or admit to) watching it. If women become part of the targeted market, they will get a greater say in what is portrayed and filmed. Women have had to stare at women since the dawn of time. I think it is our turn to get to drool over something.

For the first time in history, woman can take advantage of how horny they have always been. Can we please, for the love of god, START FUCKING RELISHING IN IT! Women love eye candy as much as men. End of story. Let this fight be what it is actually about: the horny vs. the prudes.

 

“I like to have a martini,

Two at the very most.

After three I'm under the table,

after four I'm under my host.”

― Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker

The Art of Debating Opinions

It came to me as I scanned my Facebook feed with one eye open, reading post after post describing oppression in the Middle East, corruption in politics, and the latest environmental disaster; I’ve been out of the loop. (Well, if you count cutting Internet research from 7 to 2 hours as out of the loop.)

As an information junkie, I read plenty of stories that sound like bullshit until I see the source. After awhile, fact and fiction begin to blur and those pesky Conspiracy Theories make their way into my newsfeeds. When I start finding reason in these theories, I must force myself to disengage before I complete a tin foil casing for my computer. After 6 months of unforgiving research, I felt it was time to take up drinking as my main hobby.

After a mere two weeks of being “out of the loop,” in a moment of vodka-soaked shame, I realized while debating politics with friends that night, I contributed a little too much to the conversation. The problem is, even when I stop hardcore research, I still bombard myself with world news via Facebook, which can result in an inflated confidence in my opinions. I may go “off the grid,” but only in the sense that I have a relative idea of what is going on, instead of a full, clear picture of current events.

During the conversation, I found myself praying no one would say the one thing that would derail my argument. I knew the bare minimum of facts of the topic at hand, but not enough to place myself in the role of subject matter expert, but why would that stop me?

That night, my drunken ego took the intellectual wheel. I didn’t care that all my facts weren’t in order; I wanted to state my opinion, dammit! And I did. (In a sober discussion, if I don’t think I know the majority of the facts, I try to mostly listen.)

Call it a mental OCD, but it physically hurts me when I hear wrong or twisted information passed along, so I was quite ashamed of myself that night.  I didn’t flat out lie to anyone, but I knew there were arguments that deflated mine, which I chose to ignore. In my world, not telling the whole truth is the worst kind of sin.

I didn’t beat myself up too badly though. I know I read more news than most, and like everyone else in the world, I’m allowed a night of arrogance amongst friends.

As these ideas mingled with the alcohol, I began to question the way we debate and gather information. Eventually, I had thought: why do so many learn enough to form an opinion but never read far enough to have a debate?

Sometimes, it is embarrassing how little people know. Half the time I debate someone, it sounds like they formed a cult around a belief after reading half an article. There have been points in group discussions where I came to an opponent’s rescue because they were being verbally gang raped. Where do people find such confidence in an idea they know so little about? (See title of blog.)

We really have no excuse. Everything we could ever want to know is at our fingertips, but we are a spoiled bunch and don’t like to do the work. This intellectual laziness is not what really gets under my skin though; it’s that individuals choose to be ignorant and spread this around.

Even with the amazing resources readily available today, many people fail to use them. How many times have we all been in a heated debate with friends, and instead of picking up a smartphone to fact check, everyone continues to scream why the other side is wrong?  

These days, everyone has an opinion that often sounds fueled by fabricated sources. Ultimately, one of these half-truths will morph into a group’s full truth, and once lit, the brush fire quickly spreads out of control. Ideas are infectious, but opinions can be cancerous.

No one is above this either. There are so many outlets by which we are manipulated. Whether it is the media, politicians, friends, or the drunk guy at the bar; someone will eventually implant a distorted view in a mind that may end up in a sad game of misinformation telephone.

Mistakes are okay; no one can know everything about everything, but if you haven’t educated yourself beyond hearsay, shut up. It is great to get swept up in a passionate debate, but it feels like most of our conversations are one sided. We want so badly for the world to pay attention to what we have to say, we forget to listen and in the process, can unintentionally begin a rumor instead of stating facts.

I have come to the realization that most people aren’t as stupid as the Internet lets on. I’ve learned when I shut my mouth, I can learn from even the craziest of liberals or conservatives, even when I don’t agree with their views.

This was merely an observation of how we tend quickly jump on board with an opinion simply because it aligns with a set of beliefs we have. I don’t know if it is because we think we are above fact checking, or that we assume an opponent is stupid, or a combination of both; but I see it with everyone. Maybe the answer is to replace our thirst for violent, verbal debate (which is always so much more exciting) with one for true intellectual debate. But this involves research, no name calling, cross-referencing, and listening, so I doubt it will happen any time soon.

This is one of the disadvantages of wine:  it makes a man mistake words for thought.  ~Samuel Johnson